All posts by wantstosmileagain


So perhaps calling this a daily journal was a bit much.  I’ve not written in approximately 2 weeks.  Several things have happened since then.  I still want to continue to record my feelings and thoughts as I go down this path.  Since the last entry I made…I feel a little more complete.  

Emotional: I have walked away from Gary.  I think it was for the best for both of us.  It has given me a chance to remember what made me special before Brian or Gary came in to my life.  I used to love to be outside.  I would hike, jog, exercise, white water raft, rock climb, repel, go caving….The list was endless.  I gave everything up when I met Brian and when Brian left — I was so worried about replacing him that I didn’t even worry about me or what I liked or what I wanted.  I found Gary and everything became about what I needed to do to please him and keep him in my life.  Don’t get me wrong, Gary made me happy for a little while.  He was a good man for a little while.  But I can’t live my life with a man who’s only good, and moreover, only good for me, for a little while.  I need someone who can be good and be good for me for the entire journey.  Perhaps the six years we were together WAS the journey?  Now that Gary is gone I’ve had time to think.  Chaz and I have started talking.  He makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe.  He keeps telling me not to fall in love with him, and I’m not.  I don’t want to fall head over heels and not have a great foundation to build from.  We’ve had a few problems with intimacy lately though.  He pinned my hands down to the bed.  For a minute it was sexy and sensual and it turned me on.  After a few seconds I flashed back.  I flashed back to a time and place that I thought I had let go of.  When I was 16…I was a virgin.  I was so innocent and inquisitive all in the same breath.  I wanted to be liked and would do anything to have people like me, especially boys.  There was a German foreign exchange student that I had a huge crush on.  We both went to a co-ed birthday party for a friend of mine.  Most of the students stayed the night as we could all fit in the living room and the office.  The boy I had a crush on went in to the office with one of his friends and they told me to come with them so I did.  We started by just laying there and talking.  Vladamir asked if he could kiss me and I said yes.  It was nice.  I was young and hadn’t really kissed very many boys and I was so excited that someone I had a crush on wanted to kiss me.  We started making out (which I was okay with) and then he started to slide his hand up my shirt.  I told him to stop and he kept going.  I told him no and he covered my mouth and said, “Shut up!   You’ll like it.  Just shut up!”.  I tried to push him off of me and he was stronger than I was.  He kept kissing me, or trying to, and I kept wiggling around and trying to get free.  He pushed down harder on me and said “Lay still and shut up!”.  He forced himself on me, in me.  He tore at my clothes until they were out of his way and he could get what he wanted.  He kept his hand over my mouth as I tried to scream out.  Nothing came out.  I opened my mouth and nothing came out.  He kept his hand over my mouth to make sure nobody would hear me.  I let him finish and I got away as fast as I could.  I ran to the bathroom crying, sobbing with my sleeping bag and my clothes.  I forgot a shoe.  I had to go back to the room and get my shoe.  I had to go back near him to get my shoe.  After I composed myself I retreated to the living room and sat inside my sleeping bag on the far side of the room.  I got as far away as fast as I could and I waited.  I waited for the sun to come up so my mom would come and get me.  When she got there I thanked the parents of the kid whose birthday we were celebrating and I went straight to the car.  I didn’t talk anymore than I had to.  When I got home I took off my clothes and showered. I took the longest, hottest shower I could without my parents catching on that anything was wrong.  I didn’t tell anyone, until Tim.  Tim and I were making out months later and he pinned my hands down in a moment of passion.  I started breathing heavy and my body stiffened up and I started wiggling.  He immediately stopped and grabbed me and hugged me.  I was sobbing.  I had no choice but to tell him what had happened.  He understood and did everything he could to make sure I was at ease.  Now I’m an adult.  Chaz pinned my wrist down in a moment of passion and I flashed back and freaked out.  We have only been sleeping together for about 3 weeks (19 days) and I freaked out.  He could understand if I freaked out once but I did it again last night.  I’m a grown woman.  Chaz has NEVER hurt me.  He has never man-handled me.  He COULD.  He’s strong enough.  But that’s not the kind of guy he is.  I have to let go of what happened to me and let whatever is going to happen between us happen.  I hurt him.  When I tensed up and freaked out I hurt him.  He just wants to be intimate with me and have these passionate moments and I ruined it for him.  I clammed up and pulled away.  He’s never hurt me.  Vladamir hurt me and Vladamir doesn’t deserve 1/2 of the anger I have pinned up inside me.  Chaz deserves a real woman.  Someone who is beautiful, and thin, and put together.  I’m not that yet he is intrigued by me.  I should hold dear the fact that he is in to me, knowing that he could have any woman he wanted.  He keeps saying not to fall in love with him but it’s so hard.  How do you not fall in love with someone?  I’m not trying to fall in love with him.  In fact I’m trying hard to NOT fall in love with him.  But how do you tell your brain to do something different from what your heart and your body are telling you? 


December 16, 2013

This is more of a diary to me.  A daily journal.  Some place I can organize my thoughts and my real feelings so that a week from now, a month from now, a year from now….I can look back and see how far I’ve come, or not.  This is a spiritual, emotional, educational, life changing transformation.  This isn’t an over night, go to bed one night and wake up the next morning quick fix.  If I’m going to change for the better I’m going to have to take the necessary time to make changes and make sure they stick.  I heard somewhere that in order for something new to become a habit – you must do it 17 times in a row.  After the 17th time…it becomes a habit.  So here is entry one on day one.  16 more to go.  My point isn’t to write in complete sentences or to use appropriate grammar or punctuation.  It’s a thoughts and feelings dump.  My brain moves so much faster than I want it to and I don’t always form complete thoughts.  It’s more of a skip from this to that to this again.  It’s this constant barrage of just nothingness sometimes.  It’s hard to discern real feelings about anything or anyone when its all just a bunch of half thoughts of nothingness on a regular basis.  

I think the best way to tackle this is to divide everything in to groups or parts.  The kids, the house and finances, my love life, my career